thoughts between pages 9 and 10 of an outline

Thus endeth one of the most mentally grueling weeks you’ve had so far.¬†And along with it, the realization that law school may be one of those things that changes your life in more ways than you’d even expect to expect.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who went into law school with next to no idea of what he was getting into. I’m sure every one of us had our reasons back then, and those reasons may or may not necessarily be the same ones we have now. People make their commitments, both within and without the course. People find out just how much punishment their minds, hearts and egos can take. People find out just how painfully weak the flesh can be, no matter how willing the mind is. People find out how sleep is nothing but an eater of precious time. People find out just how long they can stay awake, utilizing all manner of methods in order to keep the brain going, absorbing, processing, analyzing, making sense of written words which so many past people claim to be unambiguous in their un-amended meanings.

As I write this, I am eagerly anticipating the greeting of yet another sunrise. And I realize that I am still not finished reviewing for my Persons exam, which I shall have to get back to lest I run out of time.

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spontaneous lucid dream that might mean something because I remembered reading something about the prophetic power of dreams

The sun shining at my face wakes me up. It is around 10am, and I feel a dull ache in my mouth. I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth, and as I’m brushing, half of one of my teeth falls out and onto the sink. I spit blood onto the sink. I gargle a little water, and spit more blood onto the sink. This carries on for several minutes, until I start to panic at the fact that the bleeding does not seem to stop. My breathing gets heavier and heavier until it wakes me up. I run to the bathroom and spit onto the sink, thankful that the saliva is only stained with the brown of the coffee I drank right before I took a nap and promptly overslept, and promise to myself to not forget to brush anymore.

In Deluge, in Drenched Sunrise

Channeling the cold and the darkness, one of whose greatest writers chronicled the Karamazovs, and the plight of the man who killed with an axe, and spent an entire novel ruminating on it.

A dream: I reach into my jacket pocket and feel paper. Lots of it. I pull several hundred thousands’ worth of checks and blue thousand-peso bills. The first thought that crosses my mind is that I finally have enough money to update my toy collection. The second is that I have enough to adopt a panda. I am considering a third option when an explosion of thunder, way too close for comfort, wakes me up.

A contemplation: Noah should have been Filipino. But then the ark would have probably been improvised. On a more serious note, though, I wonder what his family’s cabin fever must have felt like, considering they were stuck for more than a month.

A question: Would not a request for psychological testing for attempting to prove psychological incapacity in the context of marital duty fall on its face due to the fact that obviously, nobody would agree to being tested for such?

An idleness: Bed weather, they call this. Cuddle weather. Snuggle weather. Giggle-under-the-sheets weather. Notice that except for the first, these imply the need for at least one another to appreciate the chill.

A theory: If time is but another measurement, another distance albeit existing in another dimension, then the time we have spent apart from each other is merely but a distance. And what is distance, if not eventually reachable? It seems that absence, after all, makes the heart grow fonder.

A dilemma: I am too cold a person, am too disdainful of humanity in general. The worst part is that I am fully aware of it. As if some part of me is waiting for somebody out there to prove that other people are actually worth committing to. Additionally, being too immersed in law seems to only serve to dampen one’s faith in human nature.

So much water outside. So many thoughts inside.