from sober talk, strangely equally fruitful as alcoholic talk

I believe I now understand your fear.

In a way, it may not be too far off mine; both revolve around the idea that anything short of the desired denouement–whether four, five, six years, the rest of life–is failure, a footnote to a gross caricature of a hero’s journey: too much abyss, too little progression. Life, after all, is not wont to hand out consolations: no, no one is going to congratulate you for making it that far, make it til the end or bust (and bust hard). Nothing to celebrate, move along, keep grinding it out, because nothing gets better anyway, and anyway your sacrifices did not see you to the end, until nothing makes any sense anymore. Until one day, we wake up to our realizations, which will be so crushing that they will keep us in our beds: you beside that which you’ve failed, I with that which I’ve failed inside.

And nothing will have been worth it.

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a straight stitch, or, the sad archaeology of Francesco Ariza

It was just another dig to the academic community, but to the dying eyes of Francesco Ariza, it was the discovery of a lifetime.

The site was in a clearing deep in a sparse forest of mulberries in the Eastern mountains. An undercut, the previous party’s absent-mindedness visible in scattered diagrams, etched onto the boulders surrounding the area, gridlines inspired by everything from the Fibonacci sequence to the golden ratio.

The forest was not a place for him, he thought, he who preferred dusting sabertooth skeletons at the edges of deserts, surrounded by analysts who debated on the placement of every joint and juncture–one group claiming the hind legs needed to be longer for pouncing, the other positing the need for longer forelegs for the chase–which debates he shrugged off as squabbling over remnants of God’s mistakes in creation.

He only stumbled onto the site when he dreamt of a row of wands, burning on one end as if torch, through which God spoke to him, telling him that an even brighter fire awaited him there. Such Divine Providence could not be doubted, for it came with a calm he had not felt since the last Ash Wednesday, where the thought that we would all return to dust comforted him in inexplicable ways. Dreams, however, were frowned upon as unscientific and outside cultural ethos, for which reason both the National Academy and the Anthropological Society refused to fund his expedition, leading him to withdraw the remainder of his earnings from lecture honoraria to hire a sculptor-turned-digger and a pack of horses to traverse back and forth the mountains.

“Barbarians, they must have thought the past was this numerical,” explained Tarocchi, the fortune-teller who appeared before Ariza’s house on the morning of the expedition, claiming that he received the same dream, and that Ash Wednesday should be more sacred than Black Friday–a blasphemy whose logic only Ariza understood–as he looked at the etchings.

The dig was, for what it was worth, fortuitous, mostly due to the artful work of the sculptor-turned-digger, whose care in chipping around the past excavations revealed a hewn stone vault about four fathoms square, filled with sheets of pressed bamboo leaf–much more brittle than desert papyrus–bearing glyphs that appeared to be a mix of hanyu pinyin and baybayin, the former’s sharp corners intertwined with the gentle clam-curves of the latter. Two corners of the vault were piled high with the sheets, enough writing for an academy of linguists to quarrel over for at least a full year. “A treasure for our time, thank you God!” exclaimed Tarocchi, who was so taken by his own profession of faith that he later took to incorporating scripture into his readings.

None of this caught Ariza’s attention, though, as much as the corpse: a young woman, lying in the northwestern corner, half-buried beneath a pile of the same writing-covered sheets, as if blanketed with the words themselves, mummified face possessed of an expression that, for the third time that year, made him feel that the world could be much quieter than he worried. It was the expression of one who faced death with neither resignation nor anticipation, a calmness that evaded even his scholarly vocabulary.

“She must have been a Scorpio. Look at her haughtiness, to have buried herself in words,” commented Tarocchi. “And look, her feet are facing southward. Clearly, an ill omen.”

He signaled Tarocchi to be quiet. The corpse could not be moved, to his chagrin, as she was as brittle as the sheets covering her: the slightest movement caused months of knowledge–or wisdom, linguists later argued–to disappear into dust. He lost two of her fingers when he touched them, and would not let his breath or the fortune-teller’s words take away anything that remained.

To mask the discovery of the corpse, which the academic world would only be aware of on the first anniversary of Ariza’s death, he had the sculptor-turned-digger cover a canvas with gravel and cement, and then string up the canvas to mask the corner. He later opened the rest of the vault to the academic community, which, true enough, spent the better part of the next five years extracting every sheet–every bit was precious and worth a high degree of precision, they said, betraying their love for sustained adversarial relationships–and overlooking the concealed corner.

He took secret trips to the dig weekly–this time without Tarocchi, whose fortune-telling business had become so lucrative that he started to train local choirboys as apprentices–to spend hours staring at the corpse, studying every detail, creating rough sketches of her form from different angles. He brought these home to Florencia, his wife of three years whose passion for long ferry-rides made her bored at the mere thought of visiting the same place again and again, who pretended to study each sketch while her mind saw other women reflected in his eyes’ sparkling enthusiasm. Ariza never doubted her passing questions, so caught up was he in his fascination for something which, to him, transcended the victimizing temporariness of human relationships.

In a few months he had memorized and mapped every one of the face’s seventy-seven wrinkles, with a hypothesis for which lines came from her natural features, and which ones came from the mummification process.

In a year, he had written a scholarly paper on the health benefits of Nirvana and a novella about a village that lived in constant hallucination, but switched the addresses of the publications he sent them to by accident, leading the academic community to believe he was hallucinating in a most unscholarly manner, and the literary community to praise his Nirvanic prose.

For the fifth-year anniversary of the discovery, he released a treatise that tackled the theory that we recreate the past when we stare into its remnants, with the problem that we revise it to weave neatly into our present, the prevalent consideration being that our narrative is a straight stitch that must be kept straight, lest we reel from the universal horror of discovering that our lives, ultimately, became stagnant long before we expire.

The submission of this manuscript, and his wife’s later discovery of the document when it was returned rejected, became the shock that realized in her mind that he was more faithful to his imagination than to her. This resulted in her boarding a Southward ferry with their two children, leaving him only two days’ worth of boiled potatoes, and a sack of raw ones–in the hope that hunger would bring him back to earth, and he would be compelled to grow his own–on which was an impeccably-written note: I hope this is what you prayed for.

Ariza grieved for a minute when he found out, even asking God if this was part of the divine patience that He espoused, but then he remembered his theory, and dismissed her departure as her attempt to straighten her own stitch, telling himself that perhaps that was all some people desired.

He spent the rest of his days withering away, his shriveled countenance looking more and more like the corpse which consumed his attentions. His time was spent locked in a small living quarters he erected near the site, writing amid malaria-rich mosquito bites and rumors that he was apprenticing young men for a pagan school of archaeo-philosophy that relished in the blasphemous idea of death without resurrection.

“I was not obsessed with death,” he wrote in an unpublished memoir, a mess of chicken scratches leading up to his death by dementia, waking up one morning to find out his mind had forgotten how to make his heart beat. “I was obsessed with the life that enabled such death.”

weight

I guess this is what the Nunos of old, bless their misunderstood remnants, felt like to the cursed: weight felt but unseen, chest heaving, exhausted from doing nothing (vis-a-vis not doing something, says an old bit of lore), yet fatal if left to persist for considerable amounts of time (their patience in exacting vengeance is admirable, though I suppose it is to be an expected vendetta if one’s abode is soiled with the stink of humanity), the victim dying amid frantic gasps for breath that cannot come as lungs fail to inflate under an unyielding squat. A slowly but steadily building burden of invisible residue, growing weight, oxidizing joints into the most effort for the mere semblance of motion: disappointments, disapprovals, rejections, deprecations, whether real or imagined (At this day and age when at least one person out there acknowledges the intricacies of psychosomasis, is it even relevant to debate this?), making the question of how many floors it takes to feel that split-second of weightlessness an even more tempting curiosity to take out of that dark corner where it has always been kept and stare, keep staring at, until it consumes, and someone once again makes an argument for psychosomasis, which argument another inevitably disputes for lack of empirical proof, for what is the mind but a mere conjurer of illusions, which are by their very nature, not worth appreciating.

a gratias

Maybe it started in the cards, warming up to read into the hopes and dreams of other people, which, though mentally and spiritually exhausting, does bring with it a particular glow. Maybe not.

Nevertheless, I guess there is a place for humanity here tonight, that which I feel I’ve left to evenings half-remembered, alongside names, faces, places which have changed past recognition, igniting old awkwardness, churning the thought that you are but a cog in this enormous machine, and that a cog you must be, lest things all fall apart around you, end you as well.

It’s an old electricity that you miss; in half a minute, half a decade’s worth: words written, feelings said, life lived; familiar faces light up under new light, familiar souls dance to new song; the universe conspires to tell you that there is still time to dig your toes into the sand.

diasporadic

Moving things takes a while: triage, load, mentally arrange into new time and new space–like Tetris, but with gravity–rinse, repeat. All the while, anger fuels a straight back, despite the monotony of it all, coupled with the self-persecution. Pretend that your belongings can weigh you down, keep you tethered to those whom you shared them with. A futile exercise, really, but what is the passage of time but something to eventually bow down to, while committing to memory those few moments that shone through the blackness.

Not, of course, this one. Not the blackest, but certainly the loudest in a long while. Coming home to a changed house has that tendency to bring out the worst in me, it seems, and midnight did not stop this one from happening. No catharsis, unfortunately, and no one was vindicated in any way, not even after others stepped in with their sage advice, a ruling of declaration of persona non grata for accepting a bribe for silence without even knowing that such was the consideration.

I talked about proximate cause in class, the day before effect came; what were words, apparently, had coalesced into action, declaration: “You do not belong here anymore.”

“I don’t think I ever did,” I said in reply, but backs were already turned, memories turned into haze through which everyone adopted a happy tabula rasa. Nothing happened, we do not remember that anything happened, so hi there, what seems to be the problem?

Walk away. Just walk away. And don’t you dare look back.

So ordered.

when it hits, it hits hard

When it hits, it hits hard. It’s never one-at-a-time, because no one has time for that. Rather, more an avalanche of realizations and conclusions, all intricately linked to each other: That you were petty for doing that but no one understood that that was of some significance to your value-system then again no one is on your side anyway come to think of it none of these people are your friends to begin with actually you might probably not have any friends at all if we are talking about friends as people to whom you can reveal your darkness to because all the world is concerned about nowadays is all these external manifestations of a happiness that likely is not there anyway and we have to banish sadness with a flicka da wrist and a stupid stupid stupid fucking stupid little motivational piece of shit go away sadness hurray hurrah happy whee so how long has all this been reduced into something so rote and so mechanical to the point that nothing calms your mind and you are just exhausted all the time and you want to ditch work and school and everything else but no one cares anyway so why not just kill yourself or something since there is no point to anything anyway just like an extension of ye olde teenage angst but persistent into even past four score and ten

everyone’s in awe isle

Those who claim that everyone needs to “disconnect/unplug/disengage” every once in a while necessarily imply that there is something to sever, a cable in danger of burning out in one end (maybe even both?), that recharging requires solitude.

To be fair, it’s not as if those already “disconnected” have ever felt the need to clamor towards “connection” anyway, seeing as this illusion of “interconnected-ness”–in the communal word-vomit of a shared space, in ats and pounds linking everyone as if the world was somehow bound by some pervasively common ideas that transcend space, time, even thought–has hoodwinked everyone since some score years ago.